Diary of a Bipolar

Still in school. Take a final exam on one class tonight, and got a B in the other one. In August I start my final semester: 2 classes that should be ridiculously easy.

I was quite hypomanic/manic (I really don't know how to tell the difference) for a good while. I would see minor symptoms and blow it off, I guess I didn't want to admit that I wasn't stable. But then something happened that made it impossible not to see.

To make a long story short, my boyfriend's wife has avoided being served with the divorce papers for over a year. We had requested his lawyer use a certain investigator in mid-June, and we waited and waited, and he did nothing. Then in early July I spoke to him and he said that we had to get additional information on her and I snapped and did something really, really dumb. One of those impulsive things that you quite literally don't think about until after it's done and over with and then you're like "Oh shit!"

So what did I do? When he said he needed more information on her, I accessed her yahoo email (her secret question was ridiculously easy) and attempted to access her ebay. I wanted to find out where she was working, and where she might be staying, as we had info that suggested that she wasn't living at home. I didn't find anything relevant in her yahoo, and didn't actually gain access to her ebay. It sent an email to her that gave her a link to change her password, and at the bottom was a note that the request was made from my IP address. At the time I did it I felt perfectly justified; she'd been evading service and we didn't have a way to find out more information.

But then I got a call from Walter's lawyer. She had called him and told him what I did, and she called the cops. THAT was when reality set in. It was like "Oh my God... not only did I not have a right to do it, but it's AGAINST THE LAW."

I haven't gotten any calls from cops yet so I don't know if I'm being investigated or what. But she did file for a restraining order, which she got. That makes me so mad because I truly wasn't stalking the woman, I just wanted to get information so she could get served and the divorce could proceed... but I guess I see her side too.

So this episode made me ask people around me what they've been seeing in me that could be symptoms, and made me really think. I made an appt with the psych and gave him this list of symptoms:

• Sometimes I feel “nervous” or anxious with no apparent reason. Only lasts about a day.
• Some days I just feel awful – I am not sleepy, but I just feel like crap, don’t want to do anything, my thoughts feel like they are being filtered through heavy cotton.
• I have not had any trouble with sleep at all.
• Things keep repeating in my head over and over – usually a snippet of a song or a line of conversation and it won’t go away.
• I am obsessing over things – food, my boyfriend’s pending divorce. The things that I obsess over, I am “hyperfocusing” on and excluding all else, especially work.
• I am binge and compulsive eating. Sometimes I literally feel as if I can’t eat enough. I sit and think “what can I eat next?” and go through all the cabinets and the fridge over and over.
• I keep doing impulsive things that are bad – quitting both jobs, breaking into my boyfriend’s ex-wife’s online accounts
• I keep making plans for these big projects, spending lots of money on them, then losing interest: painting the house, scrapbooking, the garden.
• I was compulsively and obsessively picking at the skin around my nails and shaving off my cuticles until they would bleed but that has subsided.
• I couldn’t wait to get out of NJ to the point of offending my mother
• Not depressed or suicidal but thoughts of “I am tired of this, I am tired of not being normal, it would be easier if I was dead” and fleeting thoughts of suddenly driving the car off the road and things like that. I don’t have any active desires to actually DO these things, just sort of thoughts of “what if?”
• Spending – didn’t put anything away for vacation, then bounced a bunch of checks
• I want sex all the time. At work for no reason I become aroused.
• Paranoia – i.e. the online guy being related to Julie somehow
• I keep saying the wrong word even though I’m thinking the right one. I’ll mean “I’m going to the bathroom” and say “I’m going to the kitchen.” I’ll mean “I’m getting ready for work” and say “I’m getting ready for bed.” Today I said “She committed suicide 4 times” instead of “She attempted suicide 4 times.”
• My memory is filled with holes and my short term memory is almost non-existent. I’ll set down my keys then thirty seconds later I don’t remember where I put them. I had my glasses on top of my head but went crazy looking for them. I’ll call someone and as it’s ringing I’ll forget who I’m calling. When I’m driving I suddenly “come into awareness” and not recognize where I am or remember where I’m going for a few seconds.
• When my boss gives me directions, I have to write it down as he’s telling me or I’ll forget it or parts of it. I have to either do things immediately as I think of them or call my voicemail and leave myself a message because I will forget it literally within seconds. I have to set “call alarms” on my cell phone to remind me to do things (pick up milk, pay a bill, etc) because otherwise I will not remember to do them.
• My attention span is horrible. When I am transcribing at work I often have to listen to a sentence several times before I can get it typed. When I’m having a conversation my mind wanders and I forget what I was talking about and I wander onto other topics. I keep repeating the same things over and over.
• I am so distractible it is driving me crazy. If something pops into my head while I’m doing something else I have to immediately pursue it – then I forget what I was doing in the first place. I’ll be at work and something will occur to me so I will go on the internet to check it out, then go back to my work, then something else pops in my head, etc., and I can’t get anything done.
• I need absolute quiet to think. if we’re playing Scrabble and someone talks I get mad because I can’t think concentrate enough to think of a word. If I have a big project at work that requires a lot of concentration I come in at 6 am so I’ll have several hours of pure silence to do it.·
• I am very, very impatient… I get mad when the internet has a short delay, I won’t go to drive through places that have more than 2 cars, etc.

I was already taking 100mg Lamictal and 100 mg of Zoloft in the morning, I had taken Geodon in the past but had a bad reaction to it - it made me feel like I was speeding. Abilify in the past made me feel nauseous. When I was on the Risperdal dosage I gained 25 lbs or so in a month. I always felt hungry and couldn’t stop eating.

So he increased my Lamictal to 200 mg a day for two weeks, then to 300 mg a day. I'm about a week and a half into it and there are some definite improvements, which of course is good.