Diary of a Bipolar

Running out of meds and scared!

2006-12-02T15:23:00.000-05:00

I quit my job a while ago, fully intending to be right back to work, but it didn't work out that way on account of the surgery and such. I also got temporary custody of my 5 yo niece Janell right before Thanksgiving because my sister is unable to take care of her right now for various reasons. Because I can't work for the moment due to the health stuff, I went and applied for medicaid etc. and the caseworker told me that I'd be eligible. The problem is that Janell was getting benefits in NJ and my sister's caseworker has failed to send my caseworker a fax confirming that Janell is not getting them out there anymore, and they can't start my stuff until that happens. I am hoping that when that fax finally arrives it will go back to Dec 1, because right now I have very little meds left. I'm taking less than I'm supposed to so that I don't totally run out, and I can tell. My insurance from my old job lapsed on the 30th but I didn't have the money to pay for the meds because I'd been out of work for 3 weeks and spent what little money I had saved up to go to NJ and get her, and the combined copays are about $100, and my sister has been unemployed for months and didn't have any money to give me. I quite literally have no money left and my bank account is in the negative. My boyfriend has picked up some groceries and such and I still owe him $500 for fixing my van to sell it (which later got stolen and trashed) and I don't want to owe him more than that. I hadn't worried about the meds much before now because I was told several weeks ago I absolutely qualify, but I didn't plan on this fax thing causing a delay.

The Zoloft I'm not overly worried about. I don't get depressed much. The Lamictal is an absolute necessity though. I'm taking 25 - 50% of what I'm supposed to be taking, and I am irritable as HELL. These kids are driving me freaking crazy. I'm in MO and we just had a huge snow storm, and they were off school on Thurs and Fri. They are both only children and not used to being around other kids for long periods of time; my daughter is jealous of the time I spend with/attention I give to Janell; and my daughter is also going out of her mind because Janell constantly wants to be around her and do stuff with her. And at 11 years old having a 5 yo up your rear is irritating as hell so I understand... but I wish they'd stop freaking bickering. I'm SO TIRED of hearing "Aunt Carrie.... Mom...."!

To make things worse, my daughter has head lice! Look at my myspace pictures - she's got SO MUCH HAIR! I have spent countless hours "nit picking" and we're not done by a long shot. She gets impatient at sitting still and then she gets mad when I pull out hairs. I don't want to try to pick off the egg because if I drop it and it stays in her hair.... this way I can see the egg still attached to the hair and I've got a bowl of water to put it in so I know where they are and I can flush them all.

It's only Saturday afternoon... ugh.

There's more details about the van and surgery stuff on my myspace blog if you're interested.

http://blog.myspace.com/phillygirlinmissouri

Home from the hospital

2006-11-28T16:07:00.000-05:00

I am home now. They did the sinus node ablation and cardiac mapping yesterday. I had a bad reaction to the anesthesia and so they kept me overnight. The procedure started around 1 pm and I only barely remember waking for a few minutes at 9 pm, then again around 1am and 4 am, but I was throwing up alot which I don't remember much of. Overnight there were several 5-6 second pauses in my heart rate, but that could have been on account of getting sick, so I have a Holter monitor now, and he sees me again on the 18th. My resting heart rate is now about 48, and he wants me to do some moderate activity while I've got the Holter on (I'll probably do tomorrow morning) and let him know how I'm feeling. Based on that and the Holter results he'll decide if I need the pacemaker or not.

Heart surgery on 11/27

2006-11-18T15:32:00.000-05:00

So the glucose tolerance test was normal. This is good news! The thyroid is stable for the moment. Also good news. On Monday 11/27 I'm having surgery. And actually this is good news too. I'm too lazy to write it out, so visit my MySpace blog if you want. And add me if you have one too. http://blog.myspace.com/phillygirlinmissouri

In other news, I am taking temporary guardianship of my 5 year old niece. My sister is training with the post office and her hours are going to be crazy, so I'll have Janell until her training is done. My daughter and I are thrilled to have her, and Walter is looking forward to having a little one around too. I leave on Tues 11/21 to get her and will be home on Saturday night, just in time to get her settled and enrolled in school for Monday, when I have the surgery.

The bipolar has been fairly stable. I've still got constant song snippets or something in my head which is really annoying but I guess I'm stuck with them, and I should be grateful that I'm as stable as I am. I've definitely been overspending... but that may just be "me" and not the bipolar.

So I'll check back after the surgery. Wish me luck!

The post-manic "crash"

2006-10-07T06:23:00.000-04:00

this was written on Sept 26 but I forgot to post it, oops!

Dream Writer at Coming Out Of The Dark wrote recently, "My psychiatrist told me that when a person is going through a high mania - they are high from their natural Adrenaline and when they fall, they crash hard."

I did not know that anyone besides me experiences that. I've never read about it. I've mentioned the crashing to my dr. but he never specifically told me it was related.

Now I understand why I am more out of breath even though I am more energetic when I'm high. I also have Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia. That is another contributing factor to me being so damn fat. Any exercise makes me out of breath quickly. Going up and down a flight of steps to do laundry sends my pulse to 180. I've been treated for it but the meds that keep it tolerable (I don't go above 140 beats per minute) also make me very, very sleepy, and what's the point of keeping my heart rate down if I'm too tired to do anything? Up until 2002 I was told I had supraventricular tachycardia, but they did an ablation which didn't do a damn bit of good, then they changed my diagnosis to IST. Bleh.

New health problems into the mix

2006-10-07T04:10:00.000-04:00

I am so tired of all these medical problems. I have felt like utter crap for about a month and been really tired, and I was blaming it on post-mania. Some of the time I knew I was manic because I had other symptoms, but other times I was like, "Hmmm.. I didn't have any other symptoms."

I made a connection recently that when I eat a lot of carbs I feel really awful afterwards. So I went to the doctor and she did some blood tests. My fasting and 3 month average blood sugar came out normal but my thyroid didn't. The level of TSH should be less than 4.5 and I'm 6.75, and my thyroid seems to be enlarged. I get an ultrasound on Wed. for that. My mother and father are/were diabetic as were both of my grandmothers. My older sister has Insulin Resistance. So on Wed. I am also doing a 3 hour glucola resistance test. They will take my fasting blood sugar then I have to drink an icky syrupy full-of-sugar concotion, then they take my blood again at intervals over a 3 hour period. I think this will show what's truly going on, because it's after I eat carbs that I feel crappy.

The thyroid med should kick in in about a week. Then I go in a month to get my levels drawn again.

Ugh.

Better... for the moment

2006-09-25T09:39:00.000-04:00

Thanks to all of you who left comments on the previous post. :)

The day after I stayed up all night I went to bed at 9 pm and woke up at 6:30 am as normal. Then that night I stayed up till 2 am and got up for work at 7 am. I was fine on Friday, so both times I didn't get the normal sleep it didn't affect me much at all.

It seems like every time I get manic, I feel good for a few days, then my body crashes. Yesterday I felt like utter crap. I went to bed Friday around 11 and woke up around 10, got up, made breakfast, and went to school from 2-6. (I will graduate in December with an AAS as a paralegal! Yay!). After school I went to my girlfriend's house till 8:30 or so. I went to bed around 11 and woke up at 9 and I was still tired. I vegetated for a while, made breakfast, ate, and went back to bed around 11 and slept until 2:30 when my daughter woke me up and I had a hell of a time waking up. It was my boyfriend's birthday and I was making dinner for his whole family and let me tell you, I did NOT feel like it. I felt slightly nauseaus and had that jittery anxiety thing going on. I felt nervous for no particular reason. I felt a little better when I was making dinner and throughout, then when I got home around 9 I read for a little while and was tired again by 9:30. I had a hell of a time waking up again around 7:15 and it's now a little past 8:30 and I'm at work and still tired.

For the last week I have done way too much shopping. I haven't paid my health insurance or car insurance which were both due on the 1st. I justified it by knowing that I get social security for my daughter (her dad is dead) this Wednesday and I could pay them by then. This is true, but I still shouldn't have spent all the money I did.

I am currently on Lamictal, 300 mg in the morning and 150 mg at night. It controls my rages WONDERFULLY but obviously it doesn't control the (hypo)mania. I put the hypo in parenthesis because I really don't know how to tell the difference between the two. I am also on a low dose of Zoloft, but I have never had a big problem with depression anyway.

About a year and a half ago I was put on Risperdal and it made me gain like 30 lbs in a month so I went off of it with the psych's permission. I haven't lost that weight and it's a problem because I was overweight to begin with. I've gained 100 lbs since high school - yikes! And I am nearly 50lb heavier than the day I delivered my daughter. He then put me on Geodon but I had a bad reaction to it (think drinking like 10 cups of coffee in an hour) and Abilify which made me nauseaus, so then I was just on the Lamictal. For quite a while I was fine, then started getting manic again and he increased my Lamictal about a month and a half ago, and now I'm not doing so hot. However, the binge eating has essentially stopped. But on the other hand, I've still got song snippets in my head CONSTANTLY.

I still have some Risperdal and the dr. had told me before that if I felt manic I could take it as needed. I like having all the extra energy so I didn't take it until last night when I felt crappy. I've got to stop doing that, because that day of feeling crappy just sucks! I am afraid of going on the Risperdal on a regular basis again because of the weight gain. He was thinking about putting me on Lithium, but decided not to because in the next year or so I plan to get pregnant.

I feel OK today except for being tired. Hopefully I'll be stable again for a good while.

Self-induced (hypo)mania?

2006-09-21T16:04:00.000-04:00

I wonder if it's possible to actually create a manic state?

The other day I stumbled across Ancestry.com and it quickly became an obsession to go as far back as I can with my family tree. That night I chose to stay up late to keep working on it, but in my obsessive frenzy, I never went to sleep! I didn't feel tired at all until about 3 pm the next day. Before I got tired, I was kind of wired up.

Now any other time if I try to stay up late I get tired and fall asleep. But I fully admit I was hyperfocusing on this and obsessed with it.

What do you think?

Slightly better

2006-09-13T15:31:00.000-04:00

I haven't taken the Risperdal except that once, but I have increased the Lamictal. I haven't been a bitch, thank God. lol

The freaking song snippets are still playing their endless loop...

I have to admit that in the last week or so I have gone crazy shopping. I didn't realize it till I did a report on Quickbooks to show "expenditures by category." I spent almost $75 on books from half.com and amazon!!! Some for my daughter - she's 11 and they are on the theme of modesty etc. because she wants to dress older than she is. Some for me - mostly bipolar related. lol I don't know why - I've read so many books and internet articles it's crazy.

I've also spent ridiculous amounts of money on groceries that we didn't really have to have, when I should have spent that money to pay my cell phone bill. Oops.

Ugh - manic again

2006-09-11T12:59:00.000-04:00

So much for doing so well. I thought that the irritability was a one-day thing, but the last few days I have been sooo irritable I am driving Walter (my boyfriend) and Corinne (my daughter) crazy. Dumb ass things are pissing me off. I snap, but don't fly off the handle, and go off by myself when that happens.

I have not had any more impulses to go off driving or drink or cause damage, thank God. I think a big part of being able to keep that in control is the fact that I got a DWI a little more than a year ago!

I called the dr. and he increased the Lamictal and asked if I still have some Risperdal around, which I do. He said I can take those PRN (as needed) when I'm feeling manic.

Yesterday I was a BITCH. I make dinner over Walter's mom's house on Sundays, and I took the Risperdal around 3 or 4 before we went over. Halfway through dinner I got tired, and after we ate, I laid down and slept for a few hours. When I woke up we went home, and by then I felt like utter crap. I just felt drained of all energy, and I went right back to sleep. I woke up this morning around 4 am to go to the bathroom and stayed up. I had been sleeping since 6:30 the night before! I played around on the internet a bit and did some housework, then came to work. I've been here for 6 hours now and haven't gotten very much done. My attention keeps flitting to other things. Obviously I will take the Risperdal tonight when I'm ready for bed!

If anyone who reads this finds me interesting, there's now a subscribe button to the right. :)

Another update

2006-09-06T18:09:00.000-04:00

I have been taking the meds like I am supposed to and overall am doing well. The one thing that won't go away is what is called "racing thoughts" - where I CONSTANTLY have a snippet of a song or conversation or something running through my head on a never ending loop. I HATE that. Sometimes I have to figure out where it came from. Earlier it was a song that I don't like. It was on the PA system at Walmart, though I hadn't consciously paid attention to it. The binge eating comes and goes. If I miss just a few doses of the Lamictal I get VERY cranky. The other night I got pissy from some minor things and I wanted to go out and drive aimlessly like a maniac (I chose not to because I had to get up for work the next day), drink alcohol (I didn't because my daughter was home), and throw things around and cause damage (I didn't to avoid pissing off Walter). I slept on the couch because I knew I was going to start a fight over some really dumb shit so I just forced myself to stay in the living room alone. The next day Walter asked me what was wrong (I was 'normal' again by then) and I told him and that was the end of it. So at least I'm able to control it. That's good, right?

Time for another update

2006-07-27T13:56:00.000-04:00

Still in school. Take a final exam on one class tonight, and got a B in the other one. In August I start my final semester: 2 classes that should be ridiculously easy.

I was quite hypomanic/manic (I really don't know how to tell the difference) for a good while. I would see minor symptoms and blow it off, I guess I didn't want to admit that I wasn't stable. But then something happened that made it impossible not to see.

To make a long story short, my boyfriend's wife has avoided being served with the divorce papers for over a year. We had requested his lawyer use a certain investigator in mid-June, and we waited and waited, and he did nothing. Then in early July I spoke to him and he said that we had to get additional information on her and I snapped and did something really, really dumb. One of those impulsive things that you quite literally don't think about until after it's done and over with and then you're like "Oh shit!"

So what did I do? When he said he needed more information on her, I accessed her yahoo email (her secret question was ridiculously easy) and attempted to access her ebay. I wanted to find out where she was working, and where she might be staying, as we had info that suggested that she wasn't living at home. I didn't find anything relevant in her yahoo, and didn't actually gain access to her ebay. It sent an email to her that gave her a link to change her password, and at the bottom was a note that the request was made from my IP address. At the time I did it I felt perfectly justified; she'd been evading service and we didn't have a way to find out more information.

But then I got a call from Walter's lawyer. She had called him and told him what I did, and she called the cops. THAT was when reality set in. It was like "Oh my God... not only did I not have a right to do it, but it's AGAINST THE LAW."

I haven't gotten any calls from cops yet so I don't know if I'm being investigated or what. But she did file for a restraining order, which she got. That makes me so mad because I truly wasn't stalking the woman, I just wanted to get information so she could get served and the divorce could proceed... but I guess I see her side too.

So this episode made me ask people around me what they've been seeing in me that could be symptoms, and made me really think. I made an appt with the psych and gave him this list of symptoms:

Sometimes I feel “nervous” or anxious with no apparent reason. Only lasts about a day.
Some days I just feel awful – I am not sleepy, but I just feel like crap, don’t want to do anything, my thoughts feel like they are being filtered through heavy cotton.
I have not had any trouble with sleep at all.
Things keep repeating in my head over and over – usually a snippet of a song or a line of conversation and it won’t go away.
I am obsessing over things – food, my boyfriend’s pending divorce. The things that I obsess over, I am “hyperfocusing” on and excluding all else, especially work.
I am binge and compulsive eating. Sometimes I literally feel as if I can’t eat enough. I sit and think “what can I eat next?” and go through all the cabinets and the fridge over and over.
I keep doing impulsive things that are bad – quitting both jobs, breaking into my boyfriend’s ex-wife’s online accounts
I keep making plans for these big projects, spending lots of money on them, then losing interest: painting the house, scrapbooking, the garden.
I was compulsively and obsessively picking at the skin around my nails and shaving off my cuticles until they would bleed but that has subsided.
I couldn’t wait to get out of NJ to the point of offending my mother
Not depressed or suicidal but thoughts of “I am tired of this, I am tired of not being normal, it would be easier if I was dead” and fleeting thoughts of suddenly driving the car off the road and things like that. I don’t have any active desires to actually DO these things, just sort of thoughts of “what if?”
Spending – didn’t put anything away for vacation, then bounced a bunch of checks
I want sex all the time. At work for no reason I become aroused.
Paranoia – i.e. the online guy being related to Julie somehow
I keep saying the wrong word even though I’m thinking the right one. I’ll mean “I’m going to the bathroom” and say “I’m going to the kitchen.” I’ll mean “I’m getting ready for work” and say “I’m getting ready for bed.” Today I said “She committed suicide 4 times” instead of “She attempted suicide 4 times.”
My memory is filled with holes and my short term memory is almost non-existent. I’ll set down my keys then thirty seconds later I don’t remember where I put them. I had my glasses on top of my head but went crazy looking for them. I’ll call someone and as it’s ringing I’ll forget who I’m calling. When I’m driving I suddenly “come into awareness” and not recognize where I am or remember where I’m going for a few seconds.
When my boss gives me directions, I have to write it down as he’s telling me or I’ll forget it or parts of it. I have to either do things immediately as I think of them or call my voicemail and leave myself a message because I will forget it literally within seconds. I have to set “call alarms” on my cell phone to remind me to do things (pick up milk, pay a bill, etc) because otherwise I will not remember to do them.
My attention span is horrible. When I am transcribing at work I often have to listen to a sentence several times before I can get it typed. When I’m having a conversation my mind wanders and I forget what I was talking about and I wander onto other topics. I keep repeating the same things over and over.
I am so distractible it is driving me crazy. If something pops into my head while I’m doing something else I have to immediately pursue it – then I forget what I was doing in the first place. I’ll be at work and something will occur to me so I will go on the internet to check it out, then go back to my work, then something else pops in my head, etc., and I can’t get anything done.
I need absolute quiet to think. if we’re playing Scrabble and someone talks I get mad because I can’t think concentrate enough to think of a word. If I have a big project at work that requires a lot of concentration I come in at 6 am so I’ll have several hours of pure silence to do it.·
I am very, very impatient… I get mad when the internet has a short delay, I won’t go to drive through places that have more than 2 cars, etc.

I was already taking 100mg Lamictal and 100 mg of Zoloft in the morning, I had taken Geodon in the past but had a bad reaction to it - it made me feel like I was speeding. Abilify in the past made me feel nauseous. When I was on the Risperdal dosage I gained 25 lbs or so in a month. I always felt hungry and couldn’t stop eating.

So he increased my Lamictal to 200 mg a day for two weeks, then to 300 mg a day. I'm about a week and a half into it and there are some definite improvements, which of course is good.

It's been a while!

2006-06-09T16:19:00.000-04:00

Wow, it has been a looong time!

Synposis:

I'm back in school. I got an A on the class that was finished in May, and am in two classes now. I take two more in the fall semester, and then I graduate and will have an Associates in Applied Science as a Paralegal in December.

Corinne and I moved in with Walter.

On the bipolar front: It was definitely the diet pill phentermine that was causing problems. I discontinued it quite some time ago... and am still fat as a house. LOL

I'm perfectly stable now, for the most part. Sometimes it's hard to tell what is a personal fault and what is on account of the bipolar though.

Undecided

2006-03-29T15:32:00.000-04:00

I can't decide if I am still manic or not. Yesterday all the lack of sleep finally caught up to me and I fell asleep around 9. But then I was wide awake at 5:30 again. I should point out that is when Walter's alarm clock goes off; I'm not just randomly waking. But it's strange in that I usually require my sleep regularly.. an hour or two late to bed and usually the next morning I'm groggy as all hell, and definitely need to go to bed early that night.

Another thing the psychologist said the other night was that people with bipolar disorder (and other things too of course) have to teach themselves ways to cope. I realized that I have already done that in terms of my distractibility/forgetfulness. If I'm in the car or not home and think of something I need to do I email myself from my cell phone. When I have appointments I set an alarm on my cell for that morning to remind me. Stuff like that.

Still manic

2006-03-28T13:35:00.000-04:00

I wasn't tired yesterday at all, suprising since I only slept for about 6 hours and woke up overnight. I felt mostly normal at work except for the fact that I am so easily distracted. After work I went to the psychologist and I could tell that I was manic... I could hear myself talking soooooo fast and when I mentioned it he said I was loud too... then when I thought about it I realized I was.

On the way home I got that "speeding" feeling again. It's not uncomfortable like I've had an overload of caffeine or anything. Just sort of revved up and full of energy. It's hard to explain.

I got to Walter's and he wasn't home yet, so I finished transplanting the veggies from the night before - I had bought more soil and pots. I also did several loads of laundry.

When he got home he was pretty tired so he just went to bed. I didn't want to finish painting because that bathroom is right off of our bedroom, so I forced myself to relax and read. I think I started getting tired around 11, and then I was up and wide awake at 5 am. I did another load of laundry then went and did some community service for an hour (related to the DWI - check the daily blog if you're interested) and came to work. Now it's lunchtime and I'm waiting for my boss to come back so I can go do yet another hour of the community service. That puts me down to 3 hours left and I'll do that after work - good thing since I have court tomorrow morning, eh?

Saw the psychologist last night

2006-03-28T11:51:00.000-04:00

So I saw the psychologist last night. He was very nice and I felt comfortable with him, though I am a bit put out that they scheduled me with him (I am a new patient to this guy) when he is graduating from school shortly and doesn't know what his availability will be when he starts his new full time job somewhere else in a few weeks! But I'm not one who has to gradually open up to a therapist, I am an open book, so I'm still going to go back to him. And it's not like I'm in some big crisis here either.

He asked me what things I was concerned about and I told him the primary thing I want to work on right now is the fact that I am so damn insecure. He suggested it was a trust issue but I don't think that's it. I do not have any concerns whatsoever that Walter is going to cheat on me. It's more of fears that I am not good enough or that I will somehow fuck things up type of thing.

We also talked about my "social phobia" or whatever you want to call it; how I won't do things in front of people, such as mini golf, or doing archery when Walter, me, his brother, and his brother's girlfriend went away. He asked me what stops me and I told him that I just can't get beyond the fear of making a fool of myself or of having people judge me or think I'm stupid or whatever. Rationally I know that is not true. Nobody cares if I can do miniature golf or archery well. Nobody's going to judge me on it. But that fear is so pervasive and it is sometimes impossible to overcome.

His advice on that was that I need to force myself to do it. I told him no way could I do it with a bunch of people around, but I think I'd be ok with just Walter. He said that right now I'm in this mindset of "I can't do it" (which is true) and if I force myself to do it then I will be able to say to myself "Well, I did it that one time..." and go on from there.

He also said that it sounds like I think too much and analyze stuff too much. I laughed so hard with that because it is SO TRUE. I sit there and analyze "what did that look mean?" "what did he mean when he said that" etc. - and then I think of all kinds of negative things it could mean - and get myself all worked up over nothing. So he said to use imagery - imagine that the involuntary subconscious thoughts of negative stuff are being counteracted with my conscious thoughts - that not everything has a deep hidden meaning - to take things at face value - and to force myself to stop obsessing over it. Man, that will be hard. Because I do obsess over everything and I do analyze everything. But I think he's right, too.

I go back to him on April 5th (I think). Will keep you posted.

Happy Monday

2006-03-27T12:20:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted in a little while. Just been busy. The "depression" thing was short-lived... and now I appear to be manic.

Last night I felt like I was all speeding, then I stayed up till midnight transplanting the vegetable plants I started from seed into bigger pots, prolly did 36 plants then ran out of pots and dirt. I had to force myself to go to sleep, woke up several times, was up at 5:30 am and painted half the bathroom before I went to work. I’m taking my medications as I’m supposed to. For right now I'm going to leave it be - if it starts becoming problematic then I'll call the psych. The extra energy is good because I’m in the process of moving. LOL

I just thought of something. I started taking the phentermine (diet pill prescribed by the dr.) last week. That very well could have something to do with it. But again, I’m going to leave it be for now.

And behind door # 3... an oncoming depression

2006-03-16T18:37:00.000-04:00

My bipolar symptoms have rarely been depression... I am manic most of the time. But I feel as if a depression is coming on.

I just feel sort of down and sad. I feel like I could cry but there's no overwhelming reason to do so. My job is great; my daughter is great; my boyfriend is great. There's nothing majorly wrong.

But now and again I get overwhelmed with all the things that are "wrong with me" and now is one of those times. I'm bipolar, of course. I've also got a condition called "inappropriate sinus tachycardia." In a nutshell that means that my pulse skyrockets with little provocation and I am "exercise intolerant." In January 2002 I had an ablation to try to help this along but it did little good. Several combinations of medicines never did the trick. Too small of a dose and it didn't alleviate the symptoms; too high of a dose and I was tired all the time. Finally I said "to hell with it" and stopped dealing with it altogether. It makes me mad that I have physical limits - like when my daughter wants to go bike riding or something and I have to tell her to wait so I can rest and catch my breath. I'm 32, I'm not supposed to have a heart problem! I should be able to do whatever I want to physically!

And I'm fat as a house, there's no denying that. I'm 235 lbs and wear a size 20. And that makes me mad too - I hate it. Yet I can't seem to stop binge eating; and even when I'm not on a binge, I eat probably about 3x what is a normal serving size. If I eat less I am left hungry, and then I obsess about food, and then I binge... so it's a vicious circle I don't know how to get out of. My doctor has told me NOT to diet without exercising because a sudden decrease in caloric intake will cause my metabolism to slow, and of course the damn heart thing makes exercising difficult.

Currently I am upset (though I can't fathom this being the cause of the 'depressed' feeling) because I am so sick of feeling so insecure about myself. My boyfriend is fabulous. I have very little to complain about. I love him to death. We spend the majority of our time together and we are moving in together when the school year is out so my daughter doesn't have to switch schools mid-year. I have been moving stuff into his house for over a month now in preparation for this.

But I am all too often scared, with no rational trigger, that he doesn't love me... or doesn't want me... or feels I am not good enough for him. He treats me with love and respect and there is no rational reason for it. But here and again that just rears up its ugly head and of course then I'm pushing and prodding at him to give me the reassurance I need, and it gets annoying to him, because he's done nothing to make me feel that way.

The other day I inadvertently found out that he'd been watching porn on the computer when I wasn't there. Rationally I don't think it's a big deal. But the irrational part of my mind said, "How can he do this if he loves me... how can he watch some other woman... I am so fat, these porn girls are so thin, I can't compare or compete with them..." So I asked him why he watches it and his answer was simple enough: he wanted release, I wasn't there. No big deal. I know it's not a "problem" or a habit. There is no rational reason for me to get upset about it. But I did all the same.

I went through a bankruptcy last year and now I've found myself in debt again. In the grand scheme of life it's not that big a deal, maybe $1500. But it makes me so mad that I've allowed that to happen; I make good money, there's no reason for it, except I spend like I'm Paris Hilton.

So all of these things right now are just getting to me. I'm not suicidal by any means... I'm not envisioning suicide or planning it or anything... but I do have thoughts along the lines of " I am so tired of all this BS... it would be so much easier if I was dead." And I stress, I don't want to be dead... I just want all these problems to magically resolve themselves... but who doesn't want that?

So I don't know if it's just some biochemical imbalance at the moment that's causing the sadness and "down" feeling, or if for whatever reason all of these things are just piling up on me... but at any rate, this sucks. LOL

I see my psychiatrist quarterly for meds but that is all he does. I think I may look into a pscyhologist to do psychotherapy to delve deep into my brain to try to resolve some of this. Does anyone know if there's much of a difference in the practices or results from a counselor (LPC) or a psychologist??

Random Thoughts

2006-03-04T16:13:00.000-04:00

I'm reading other people's blogs, and I decided that the thoughts that it triggers for me will just get written down randomly, because I know I"ll never remember otherwise. LOL

On Jane Loves Tarzan, Jane writes, "Because once I take that 1st drink, or 1st whatever, I don’t know for sure where it will end."

Oh, I am SO like that. I can't drink casually. Once I take one drink, I can't stop. And unfortunately I've always ended up driving... and finally in June I got a DWI over it. Feel free to peruse my daily blog to find entries about it. And I am a binge eater. And I am fat as a house. LOL Part of that is due to being on Risperdal. I gained 25 - 30 lbs the first month I was on it!!! But there's no denying that I can't eat like a normal person... I have to eat huge, huge quantities, and when I'm not eating, I think about eating way, way too much.

Jane also wrote, "I feel like I could use 1 day in a mental hospital." and "It felt as though I was in some protective bubble & I literally wanted to stay there forever. Living there helped me realize how easy it is for people to become institutionalized."

I've gotten like that sometimes. I was only in the hospital for three days... but I didn't have any responsibility... and sometimes I just get overwhelmed with life and crave that irresponsibility...

-----------

Now reading Rachel's In The Course of Things.

"I didn't tell you how I am paranoid that they are all against me."

I get like that too... sometimes I just get totally paranoid that someone is talking bad about me, lying to me, hiding things from me, thinking bad about me... not just one person, ANYONE.

"I thought happiness was parties, people, and other social settings. But it is now clear, that is not where I belong."

I have always felt like the "odd man out" in social settings. The therapist tells me I have a mild case of "social phobia" and I definitely have a lot of the symptoms. If I am with people I don't know well or trust enough, I am constantly afraid that something I will do or say will make them think negatively of me. And I know rationally that is unlikely; but I cannot control it. For Valentine's Day me, my boyfriend, his brother, and his brother's girlfriend went away for a weekend. And there were activities there that I just couldn't force myself to participate in. They were doing archery... it was so simple, you just rest the arrow on the bow, pull back, let go.. .and I couldn't do it. I was too afraid that someone would be watching me and thinking how stupid or whatever I am... that social phobia stuff paralyzes me, and it makes me so mad, because I *want* to join other people, I *want* to participate, but the paranoia overwhelms me...

Hi ho, it's back to school I go

2006-03-04T15:59:00.000-04:00

I started going to college when I had my daughter (I was 21). But being a single parent who works full time really, really makes school difficult. And being bipolar doesn't help, either. I get a lot of the ADD type symptoms with distractibility, etc. Whenever I've gone to school in the past I've taken night classes, but I simply don't have the ability to study without being distracted. Outside of work, I'm a single parent, and it's hard to work/study with a kid constantly wanting your attention. And if I stay up too late then it messes me up for the next day at work.

So my boss, the wonderful guy that he is, is allowing me starting in May to work part time. Instead of 40 hours a week I will do 30-34. That will give me time at home, alone, with no kid, to concentrate on my school work. And he's allowing me to keep my health insurance!!!! Right now he pays all of it; when I go part time he'll still pay 2/3!!!

I am SO excited about this. I only have 17 credits left to get my associate's degree making me a paralegal (which is sad when I started school 10 years ago, lol) and so if all goes as planned, I'll graduate in December!

The "scary" thing will be that when I graduate I'm moving on to another job. I'm currently a "legal assistant" but when I'm done I will be an official associate-degree-holding paralegal. Damn, I guess I'll have to buy a real wardrobe, the "business casual" thing I can do here prolly won't fly in a firm big enough to have paralegals. LOL But seriously - I am sort of scared, though more excited, about moving on... I am so in my "comfort zone" here, been there 3 years...

No, I'm not manic. LOL

2006-03-04T15:58:00.000-04:00

The reason I wrote so much today is that I am at my 2nd job (I am a legal assistant) and there is NOTHING for me to do. I work on the weekends to support attorneys who have stuff that has to be done on the weekend... and had nothing to do. I'm required to be here for so many hours... so I blogged. LOL

And on being depressed...

2006-03-04T15:19:00.000-04:00

When I was a teen I would get depressed over EVERYTHING. Someone didn't look at me the right way... didn't love me enough... whatever. And for whatever reason I seemed to cherish the state of depression. I had whole cassette tapes that I had dubbed that had different music on it. Some were "depression" songs like "you broke my heart" and some were what I termed "Fuck You songs" like "Do You Know, Do You Care" by Phil Collins.

I had my daughter when I was 21 and mostly the depression stopped rearing its ugly head then. Maybe because I finally had someone to love unconditionally and she loved me back; maybe I just made an subconscious choice; maybe my brain chemicals changed; I don't know.

Then in the year 2000 I lost a baby when I was five months pregnant. This was my second loss - the first was in 1991 before my daughter (1995). That and other very traumatic things during the same period sent me into the worst depression I had ever been in. I couldn't work. All I wanted to do was read and sleep. I didn't want to bathe; I would wait until I could literally smell myself. And I barely had the energy to take care of my daughter, who was 5 at the time. She survived on TV dinners that she heated up herself under my direction for the most part. I barely ate, and was down to 160 lbs. I am 5'10 so that is fairly thin. Alas, I am up to a fat 235 now!!! But that's beside the point. LOL

I don't remember what prompted me to go to the doctor but I was put on Zoloft and gradually I got back to normal... which unfortunately included the binge eating and the rages, etc. And it was 3 more years before I got diagnosed with the bipolar.

I haven't had any major depressions since that last awful time. Sometimes I catch myself "ruminating" - thinking about the things in life that have hurt me and such. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with all the obstacles in my life and I get into that "I'd be better off dead" kind of mind set. Not that I'm suicidal by any means - just weary of struggling with life in general and thinking how much easier it would be. When these things happen I'll just pop an extra Zoloft. That's probably not the best thing I should do - but I'm afraid of getting to a point where I can't function again so I overreact to the slightest sign. I guess it's good I don't turn to street drugs, eh?

On being manic....

2006-03-04T15:11:00.000-04:00

Before I got diagnosed (having no information about Bipolar Disorder at all) I used to define my manic episodes as "being in a really good mood." And I was. I was happy, elated, had tons of energy... when these episodes would occur I would get SO MUCH DONE. I'd paint the whole house (indoors, not out, lol)... rearrange all the furniture... detail the car with ridiculous attention to detail...

I must admit, I *liked* being like that. I like the energy, the euphoria. The amount of stuff I get done is great. But the bad part of it is that I spend too much money... I can go from euphoric to enraged in a heartbeat...

Too bad we can't pick and choose our symptoms, eh?

I've noticed that even stable on meds, sometimes I can sort of "push myself into" hypomanic episodes. Well, that sounds like it's deliberate, but it is not. For example, my boyfriend and I decided to move in together. I hadn't paid my storage unit in a while and it was overlocked, and I was anxious to start the move. So when I paid the storage and could get in there, I was sooo excited it was crazy. I couldn't wait to pack stuff up and take it to his house. He couldn't understand my excitement. And I was so tunnel-visioned about getting it done that it didn't matter to me in the slightest that it was raining. My poor boyfriend just endured.

Later after I had "come down" I realized the state I had been in. He didn't know me pre-meds and it was the first time he'd seen me like that. So I told him that if I get like that again, that he should gently remind me that I'm being overzealous or whatever. It hasn't happened again yet so I don't know if that will work.

But I sure did get a lot moved and put away that day. LOL

Poignant song

2006-03-04T13:31:00.000-04:00

Still reading Jane's blog. She posted the lyrics to a song that resonates with her, and here's one that does it for me.

Simon by Lifehouse

catch your breath
hit the wall
scream out loud
as you start to crawl
back in your cage
the only place
where they will
leave you alone

'cause the weak will seek the weaker until they've broken them
could you get it back again
would it be the same?

fulfillment to their lack of strength at your expense
left you with no defense
they tore it down

CHORUS:
and i have felt the same
as you, I've felt the same
as you, I've felt the same

locked inside
the only place
where you feel sheltered
where you feel safe
you lost yourself
in your search to find
something else
to hide behind

the fearful always preyed upon your confidence
did they see the consequence
when they pushed you around?

the arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones
breaking them 'til they've become
just another crown

CHORUS

refuse to feel
anything at all
refuse to slip
refuse to fall

can't be weak
can't stand still
you watch your back
cause no one will

you don't know why they had to go this far
traded your worth for these scars
for your only company

don't believe the lies that they have told to you
not one word was true

you're alright, you're alright, you're alright

CHORUS

My Medication Experiences

2006-03-04T13:23:00.000-04:00

As I said in my first post, me being on Adderall was a bad, bad idea. It sent me to the moon.

Lamictal is my "wonder drug." It totally eliminates my rages, which is a very, very good thing. I know I'm a much better mom now.

Zoloft is my antidepressant. I don't tend to get depressed over much but my psych (affectionately referred to as my "crazy doc") wants me on it. No side effects or anything.

Abilify made me feel nauseaus so I stopped taking it after a week or so.

Risperdal does a good job of curbing compulsions, but unfortunately it makes me hungry all the time and exacerbates my tendency to binge eat. I'm currently off of it.

Geodon did not like me at all. It made me feel like I was on a horrible caffeine high, as if I'd taken like 20 Vivarin (caffeine) pills.

Some more history

2006-03-04T12:57:00.000-04:00

The earliest specific memory I have of a bipolar symptom is when I was 15 or 16. I had always been prone to the rages (though back then I just chalked it up to having a REALLY bad temper) and my boyfriend and I had gone down the shore (Philly speak for to the beach, lol) and I had gotten my ears pierced. A few weeks later I wanted to change the earrings and it was too soon and the holes closed up that quick while I was trying to do it. I FLIPPED. I was screaming, yelling, throwing things across the room, etc. My boyfriend was freaked out; he couldn't understand how something so minor could enrage me like that. Neither did I. But when you're in the grip of a rage like that you literally cannot control it.

I have *always* been very tunnel-visioned in some respects. If I have my mind set on doing something, I won't stop until I have it done. I can't think of anything else. I get obsessed with it. It can be a project, like when I did my first website. Or it can be something in the news. I remember a few years ago a little girl who was my daughter's age was murdered, and she lived about half an hour from us, and I was obsessed with that story. My daughter was with her dad for half the summer when this happened. All the major news networks covered it. Not only did I compulsively search the web every hour for like 15 minutes about new news, but I actually WENT TO THEIR HOUSE. I realize now that was totally, totally obsessive. I ended up volunteering to make these little "in memoriam" cards for the family and they allowed me to. They gave me pictures of this little girl and I put the and pictuers and her birthday and such and a prayer on business cards and then laminated them. I spent over $100 on this (that I didn't have) and literally an entire weekend with little sleep.

Sometimes I get overly "into" a project, only to drop it. When I caught the scrapbooking craze I spent $100 on supplies, and did maybe 5 pages of it. Or I'll get into an organizing frenzy and spend an entire weekend re-doing and re-arranging my house.

The most devastating effect the bipolar had on me was to destroy my finances. Sometimes I would get into these modes where I had to buy things. I'd spend several hundred dollars, never mind my bills, on all this.. stuff. And I'd set the bags on the living room floor, and there it would all sit, until later in the week when I had no money for gas, and I'd return most of it. I knew that was crazy, but that impulse to "buy" cannot be rejected.

In the year 2000 a lot of bad stuff happened to me all at once, and maybe some other time I'll write about it. But I made some huge mistakes and some huge decisions with no thought. I picked up and moved from New Jersey/Philadelphia to Missouri with next to no thought about it. All of my family is there, with the exception of the one half-sister that lives here in MO, and I just up and left. And my grandfather had died and left me his house. I took out a mortgage on it, and within a year, the entire value of the house was spent and I couldn't pay the property taxes and I had to sell the house. The fact that I literally blew $75,000 in a year and couldn't tell you where it went, and that I lost my beloved grandfather's house over it, devastates me.

In the worst of times of my spending sprees I would write check after check, not even realizing that many of them would bounce. So then I'd end up taking out a pay day loan to pay off the bounced checks and their fees. And then I couldn't pay my bills to pay off the interest on the payday loans. My car ended up getting repossessed as a result of this. After I got diagnosed I filed bankruptcy, and I am slowly building my credit back up.

So... there you have it. Some more history and some more of my symptoms and stuff. :)

heeeey

2006-03-04T12:54:00.000-04:00

I thought I had the settings to notify me when I had a comment but I obviously did not... I just saw all these comments today! I *think* I have it set up now. LOL

So thanks to Jane, Rachel, zawadi70, mr. 12 step, "mom, interrupted", and dan for stopping by to say hi. :) When I'm done writing today I'll visit your blogs. :)

Intro

2006-02-16T14:11:00.000-04:00

I'm starting this as a diary of sorts about my life having bipolar disorder. Some of it will be daily occurrences; some of it will be memories and history.

I was diagnosed in August of 2003. What led up to it was that I was having difficulty concentrating at work. I couldn't stay focused; my mind was always wandering; I was getting much less done than I should have been. I was diagnosed as being Attention Deficit and the dr. put me on Adderall, which is an amphetamine - pure speed. This had a very bad effect.

After I had been on the Adderall for a while I couldn't concentrate at ALL. My production was so low it was crazy. What little I was able to get done was mostly due to the fact that I knew my boss was in the next room waiting for me to give him things. And unfortunately it just so happened that my boss went on vacation as this was going on. I got NOTHING done while he was away. I simply couldn't concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes. I kept berating myself for being so "weak" that I wouldn't do the work but it didn't occur to me that there was something physically wrong to cause that. The day before he was scheduled to return I took all the stuff home - the files, the transcription machine, etc... I thought that I would be able to concentrate more at home but of course that was a silly idea. It didn't do the slightest bit of good.

The most prominent bipolar symptom that manifests itself in me is rage. The stupidest things would set me off. In the space of an instant I'd go from "normal" to pure rage. I would throw things across the room; break things; scream and yell; punch the wall; and a few times I came close to being abusive to my daughter. When I was on the Adderall she would do or say something minor and I would feel positively murderous. I was afraid of what I might do if I lost my temper so I would go in my room and refuse to deal with her until I calmed down. This scared the hell out of me.

I ended up checking myself into the psych ward because I knew *something* was wrong but I didn't know what. My first reaction upon being told I was bipolar was, "No way! I am not crazy!" but I agreed to give the meds a try. Let me tell you - the Lamictal has been an absolute miracle drug for me in terms of the rage. I very, very rarely get mad like that anymore, and if I do, I feel it is appropriate to the situation.

After I was released from the hospital I educated myself on bipolar disorder. I read voraciously anything I could find about it. I realized that there were so many things about myself that I had been putting myself down for, for feeling like a failure, were actually bipolar symptoms. In one way that was a relief "Hey, there's a reason for this!" but in another way it was simply confirmation that I was indeed what I considered "crazy."

After I had been on the meds a while like many other people I decided I didn't need them anymore and I stopped them. The rages came back within a week and I immediately went back on the meds. I don't like myself like that.

Since then I have come to the realization that bipolar disorder isn't "crazy." It's a biologically based illness just like diabetes. And I need my meds just as diabetics need their insulin.

So that's the brief history of how I got diagnosed... more to come.