And on being depressed...
When I was a teen I would get depressed over EVERYTHING. Someone didn't look at me the right way... didn't love me enough... whatever. And for whatever reason I seemed to cherish the state of depression. I had whole cassette tapes that I had dubbed that had different music on it. Some were "depression" songs like "you broke my heart" and some were what I termed "Fuck You songs" like "Do You Know, Do You Care" by Phil Collins.
I had my daughter when I was 21 and mostly the depression stopped rearing its ugly head then. Maybe because I finally had someone to love unconditionally and she loved me back; maybe I just made an subconscious choice; maybe my brain chemicals changed; I don't know.
Then in the year 2000 I lost a baby when I was five months pregnant. This was my second loss - the first was in 1991 before my daughter (1995). That and other very traumatic things during the same period sent me into the worst depression I had ever been in. I couldn't work. All I wanted to do was read and sleep. I didn't want to bathe; I would wait until I could literally smell myself. And I barely had the energy to take care of my daughter, who was 5 at the time. She survived on TV dinners that she heated up herself under my direction for the most part. I barely ate, and was down to 160 lbs. I am 5'10 so that is fairly thin. Alas, I am up to a fat 235 now!!! But that's beside the point. LOL
I don't remember what prompted me to go to the doctor but I was put on Zoloft and gradually I got back to normal... which unfortunately included the binge eating and the rages, etc. And it was 3 more years before I got diagnosed with the bipolar.
I haven't had any major depressions since that last awful time. Sometimes I catch myself "ruminating" - thinking about the things in life that have hurt me and such. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with all the obstacles in my life and I get into that "I'd be better off dead" kind of mind set. Not that I'm suicidal by any means - just weary of struggling with life in general and thinking how much easier it would be. When these things happen I'll just pop an extra Zoloft. That's probably not the best thing I should do - but I'm afraid of getting to a point where I can't function again so I overreact to the slightest sign. I guess it's good I don't turn to street drugs, eh?
I had my daughter when I was 21 and mostly the depression stopped rearing its ugly head then. Maybe because I finally had someone to love unconditionally and she loved me back; maybe I just made an subconscious choice; maybe my brain chemicals changed; I don't know.
Then in the year 2000 I lost a baby when I was five months pregnant. This was my second loss - the first was in 1991 before my daughter (1995). That and other very traumatic things during the same period sent me into the worst depression I had ever been in. I couldn't work. All I wanted to do was read and sleep. I didn't want to bathe; I would wait until I could literally smell myself. And I barely had the energy to take care of my daughter, who was 5 at the time. She survived on TV dinners that she heated up herself under my direction for the most part. I barely ate, and was down to 160 lbs. I am 5'10 so that is fairly thin. Alas, I am up to a fat 235 now!!! But that's beside the point. LOL
I don't remember what prompted me to go to the doctor but I was put on Zoloft and gradually I got back to normal... which unfortunately included the binge eating and the rages, etc. And it was 3 more years before I got diagnosed with the bipolar.
I haven't had any major depressions since that last awful time. Sometimes I catch myself "ruminating" - thinking about the things in life that have hurt me and such. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with all the obstacles in my life and I get into that "I'd be better off dead" kind of mind set. Not that I'm suicidal by any means - just weary of struggling with life in general and thinking how much easier it would be. When these things happen I'll just pop an extra Zoloft. That's probably not the best thing I should do - but I'm afraid of getting to a point where I can't function again so I overreact to the slightest sign. I guess it's good I don't turn to street drugs, eh?
