And behind door # 3... an oncoming depression
My bipolar symptoms have rarely been depression... I am manic most of the time. But I feel as if a depression is coming on.
I just feel sort of down and sad. I feel like I could cry but there's no overwhelming reason to do so. My job is great; my daughter is great; my boyfriend is great. There's nothing majorly wrong.
But now and again I get overwhelmed with all the things that are "wrong with me" and now is one of those times. I'm bipolar, of course. I've also got a condition called "inappropriate sinus tachycardia." In a nutshell that means that my pulse skyrockets with little provocation and I am "exercise intolerant." In January 2002 I had an ablation to try to help this along but it did little good. Several combinations of medicines never did the trick. Too small of a dose and it didn't alleviate the symptoms; too high of a dose and I was tired all the time. Finally I said "to hell with it" and stopped dealing with it altogether. It makes me mad that I have physical limits - like when my daughter wants to go bike riding or something and I have to tell her to wait so I can rest and catch my breath. I'm 32, I'm not supposed to have a heart problem! I should be able to do whatever I want to physically!
And I'm fat as a house, there's no denying that. I'm 235 lbs and wear a size 20. And that makes me mad too - I hate it. Yet I can't seem to stop binge eating; and even when I'm not on a binge, I eat probably about 3x what is a normal serving size. If I eat less I am left hungry, and then I obsess about food, and then I binge... so it's a vicious circle I don't know how to get out of. My doctor has told me NOT to diet without exercising because a sudden decrease in caloric intake will cause my metabolism to slow, and of course the damn heart thing makes exercising difficult.
Currently I am upset (though I can't fathom this being the cause of the 'depressed' feeling) because I am so sick of feeling so insecure about myself. My boyfriend is fabulous. I have very little to complain about. I love him to death. We spend the majority of our time together and we are moving in together when the school year is out so my daughter doesn't have to switch schools mid-year. I have been moving stuff into his house for over a month now in preparation for this.
But I am all too often scared, with no rational trigger, that he doesn't love me... or doesn't want me... or feels I am not good enough for him. He treats me with love and respect and there is no rational reason for it. But here and again that just rears up its ugly head and of course then I'm pushing and prodding at him to give me the reassurance I need, and it gets annoying to him, because he's done nothing to make me feel that way.
The other day I inadvertently found out that he'd been watching porn on the computer when I wasn't there. Rationally I don't think it's a big deal. But the irrational part of my mind said, "How can he do this if he loves me... how can he watch some other woman... I am so fat, these porn girls are so thin, I can't compare or compete with them..." So I asked him why he watches it and his answer was simple enough: he wanted release, I wasn't there. No big deal. I know it's not a "problem" or a habit. There is no rational reason for me to get upset about it. But I did all the same.
I went through a bankruptcy last year and now I've found myself in debt again. In the grand scheme of life it's not that big a deal, maybe $1500. But it makes me so mad that I've allowed that to happen; I make good money, there's no reason for it, except I spend like I'm Paris Hilton.
So all of these things right now are just getting to me. I'm not suicidal by any means... I'm not envisioning suicide or planning it or anything... but I do have thoughts along the lines of " I am so tired of all this BS... it would be so much easier if I was dead." And I stress, I don't want to be dead... I just want all these problems to magically resolve themselves... but who doesn't want that?
So I don't know if it's just some biochemical imbalance at the moment that's causing the sadness and "down" feeling, or if for whatever reason all of these things are just piling up on me... but at any rate, this sucks. LOL
I see my psychiatrist quarterly for meds but that is all he does. I think I may look into a pscyhologist to do psychotherapy to delve deep into my brain to try to resolve some of this. Does anyone know if there's much of a difference in the practices or results from a counselor (LPC) or a psychologist??
I just feel sort of down and sad. I feel like I could cry but there's no overwhelming reason to do so. My job is great; my daughter is great; my boyfriend is great. There's nothing majorly wrong.
But now and again I get overwhelmed with all the things that are "wrong with me" and now is one of those times. I'm bipolar, of course. I've also got a condition called "inappropriate sinus tachycardia." In a nutshell that means that my pulse skyrockets with little provocation and I am "exercise intolerant." In January 2002 I had an ablation to try to help this along but it did little good. Several combinations of medicines never did the trick. Too small of a dose and it didn't alleviate the symptoms; too high of a dose and I was tired all the time. Finally I said "to hell with it" and stopped dealing with it altogether. It makes me mad that I have physical limits - like when my daughter wants to go bike riding or something and I have to tell her to wait so I can rest and catch my breath. I'm 32, I'm not supposed to have a heart problem! I should be able to do whatever I want to physically!
And I'm fat as a house, there's no denying that. I'm 235 lbs and wear a size 20. And that makes me mad too - I hate it. Yet I can't seem to stop binge eating; and even when I'm not on a binge, I eat probably about 3x what is a normal serving size. If I eat less I am left hungry, and then I obsess about food, and then I binge... so it's a vicious circle I don't know how to get out of. My doctor has told me NOT to diet without exercising because a sudden decrease in caloric intake will cause my metabolism to slow, and of course the damn heart thing makes exercising difficult.
Currently I am upset (though I can't fathom this being the cause of the 'depressed' feeling) because I am so sick of feeling so insecure about myself. My boyfriend is fabulous. I have very little to complain about. I love him to death. We spend the majority of our time together and we are moving in together when the school year is out so my daughter doesn't have to switch schools mid-year. I have been moving stuff into his house for over a month now in preparation for this.
But I am all too often scared, with no rational trigger, that he doesn't love me... or doesn't want me... or feels I am not good enough for him. He treats me with love and respect and there is no rational reason for it. But here and again that just rears up its ugly head and of course then I'm pushing and prodding at him to give me the reassurance I need, and it gets annoying to him, because he's done nothing to make me feel that way.
The other day I inadvertently found out that he'd been watching porn on the computer when I wasn't there. Rationally I don't think it's a big deal. But the irrational part of my mind said, "How can he do this if he loves me... how can he watch some other woman... I am so fat, these porn girls are so thin, I can't compare or compete with them..." So I asked him why he watches it and his answer was simple enough: he wanted release, I wasn't there. No big deal. I know it's not a "problem" or a habit. There is no rational reason for me to get upset about it. But I did all the same.
I went through a bankruptcy last year and now I've found myself in debt again. In the grand scheme of life it's not that big a deal, maybe $1500. But it makes me so mad that I've allowed that to happen; I make good money, there's no reason for it, except I spend like I'm Paris Hilton.
So all of these things right now are just getting to me. I'm not suicidal by any means... I'm not envisioning suicide or planning it or anything... but I do have thoughts along the lines of " I am so tired of all this BS... it would be so much easier if I was dead." And I stress, I don't want to be dead... I just want all these problems to magically resolve themselves... but who doesn't want that?
So I don't know if it's just some biochemical imbalance at the moment that's causing the sadness and "down" feeling, or if for whatever reason all of these things are just piling up on me... but at any rate, this sucks. LOL
I see my psychiatrist quarterly for meds but that is all he does. I think I may look into a pscyhologist to do psychotherapy to delve deep into my brain to try to resolve some of this. Does anyone know if there's much of a difference in the practices or results from a counselor (LPC) or a psychologist??
My personal experience has been that counselor's & psychologists are all the same. Some are good & some aren't.
While I can't write a post right now, I'm amazed at how much I have in common with other bipolar bloggers. I'm depressed right now too & I believe it's because of a number of stressors...weight & lack of discipline being 1 of them, like you. I don't think it would hurt to talk to a therapist, just make sure you feel comfortable with them. Best wishes.
Posted by
jane |
3/21/2006 1:03 AM
I'm a huge binge eater, and it's gotten worse with the lamictal I'm on. It seems to give me an insatiable appetite.
Don't worry about your boyfriend and porn. I doubt there's any male out there who doesn't hit "those sites" from time to time. As long as it's not a habit or a replacement for you. And I doubt that very much.
Hope things look for for you quickly!
Posted by
Jon |
3/23/2006 9:33 PM
I see my psychologist on and off. I also change them often because I am picky and they are wierd.;)
I too, do not experience depression very often. Although, I always seem to want a therapist after I need one, so I guess it is good to just keep one in place. Just don't take the first one...hunt until you find someone you really like. Otherwise it is just a big waste of time.
My last psychologist did help me learn to become more aware of the fact that so so many of my insecurities about myself and my marriage were really the illness and not "reality".
I really caused a bunch of problems being so full of insecurity, paranoia, and anxiety. (When in reality, everything was fine) I was able to somewhat manage it with meds and regularly telling myself "this is the BP not reality" when I have unrealistic worries.
Feel better and thanks for coming by my site!
Posted by
Anonymous |
3/24/2006 2:18 PM
Response to Jon:
Hmmm, Lamictal didn't do that to me, the Risperdal did... I couldn't eat enough!
My dr. gave me phentermine, an appetite suppressant, and it works wonders!
Walter definitely does not have a porn problem... I know it's rare... for some reason that just gets my insecurities going overtime... there's more to it, and maybe I'll write about it someday.
Posted by
DramaPrincess |
3/29/2006 3:24 PM