Random Thoughts
I'm reading other people's blogs, and I decided that the thoughts that it triggers for me will just get written down randomly, because I know I"ll never remember otherwise. LOL
On Jane Loves Tarzan, Jane writes, "Because once I take that 1st drink, or 1st whatever, I don’t know for sure where it will end."
Oh, I am SO like that. I can't drink casually. Once I take one drink, I can't stop. And unfortunately I've always ended up driving... and finally in June I got a DWI over it. Feel free to peruse my daily blog to find entries about it. And I am a binge eater. And I am fat as a house. LOL Part of that is due to being on Risperdal. I gained 25 - 30 lbs the first month I was on it!!! But there's no denying that I can't eat like a normal person... I have to eat huge, huge quantities, and when I'm not eating, I think about eating way, way too much.
Jane also wrote, "I feel like I could use 1 day in a mental hospital." and "It felt as though I was in some protective bubble & I literally wanted to stay there forever. Living there helped me realize how easy it is for people to become institutionalized."
I've gotten like that sometimes. I was only in the hospital for three days... but I didn't have any responsibility... and sometimes I just get overwhelmed with life and crave that irresponsibility...
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Now reading Rachel's In The Course of Things.
"I didn't tell you how I am paranoid that they are all against me."
I get like that too... sometimes I just get totally paranoid that someone is talking bad about me, lying to me, hiding things from me, thinking bad about me... not just one person, ANYONE.
"I thought happiness was parties, people, and other social settings. But it is now clear, that is not where I belong."
I have always felt like the "odd man out" in social settings. The therapist tells me I have a mild case of "social phobia" and I definitely have a lot of the symptoms. If I am with people I don't know well or trust enough, I am constantly afraid that something I will do or say will make them think negatively of me. And I know rationally that is unlikely; but I cannot control it. For Valentine's Day me, my boyfriend, his brother, and his brother's girlfriend went away for a weekend. And there were activities there that I just couldn't force myself to participate in. They were doing archery... it was so simple, you just rest the arrow on the bow, pull back, let go.. .and I couldn't do it. I was too afraid that someone would be watching me and thinking how stupid or whatever I am... that social phobia stuff paralyzes me, and it makes me so mad, because I *want* to join other people, I *want* to participate, but the paranoia overwhelms me...
On Jane Loves Tarzan, Jane writes, "Because once I take that 1st drink, or 1st whatever, I don’t know for sure where it will end."
Oh, I am SO like that. I can't drink casually. Once I take one drink, I can't stop. And unfortunately I've always ended up driving... and finally in June I got a DWI over it. Feel free to peruse my daily blog to find entries about it. And I am a binge eater. And I am fat as a house. LOL Part of that is due to being on Risperdal. I gained 25 - 30 lbs the first month I was on it!!! But there's no denying that I can't eat like a normal person... I have to eat huge, huge quantities, and when I'm not eating, I think about eating way, way too much.
Jane also wrote, "I feel like I could use 1 day in a mental hospital." and "It felt as though I was in some protective bubble & I literally wanted to stay there forever. Living there helped me realize how easy it is for people to become institutionalized."
I've gotten like that sometimes. I was only in the hospital for three days... but I didn't have any responsibility... and sometimes I just get overwhelmed with life and crave that irresponsibility...
-----------
Now reading Rachel's In The Course of Things.
"I didn't tell you how I am paranoid that they are all against me."
I get like that too... sometimes I just get totally paranoid that someone is talking bad about me, lying to me, hiding things from me, thinking bad about me... not just one person, ANYONE.
"I thought happiness was parties, people, and other social settings. But it is now clear, that is not where I belong."
I have always felt like the "odd man out" in social settings. The therapist tells me I have a mild case of "social phobia" and I definitely have a lot of the symptoms. If I am with people I don't know well or trust enough, I am constantly afraid that something I will do or say will make them think negatively of me. And I know rationally that is unlikely; but I cannot control it. For Valentine's Day me, my boyfriend, his brother, and his brother's girlfriend went away for a weekend. And there were activities there that I just couldn't force myself to participate in. They were doing archery... it was so simple, you just rest the arrow on the bow, pull back, let go.. .and I couldn't do it. I was too afraid that someone would be watching me and thinking how stupid or whatever I am... that social phobia stuff paralyzes me, and it makes me so mad, because I *want* to join other people, I *want* to participate, but the paranoia overwhelms me...
I can relate so much with what you wrote. As I sit here reading this, I'm downing Savannah Girl Scout cookies! (and I'm a diabetic!) I do love to eat too, too much. And when I'm not eating, I'm thinking about it too. After the guilt...just like with the drugs. The guilt is tremendous.
I hate social settings. All the fake crap & smiles & everybody is just so phony. I always think someone is following me or whispering about me. It's so not fun for me.
So as you can see, we seem to be 2 peas in a pod. It's a nice feeling though, knowing we aren't alone. Isn't it?
Posted by
jane |
3/05/2006 1:02 AM
I use to think for many years that I just can not handle social settings anymore. The reason was because of this paranoia you describe. Paranoia and anxiety.
I have recently added Seroquel to my three others...it seems to help me some.
I finally started going, "Oh, that is not reality..it my warped perceptions." Just FYI.
(As a fellow weight gainer from old Lithium/Depakote/Zyprexa days...I am using caution because I think, of course, Seroquel could be one of those. You never know though, everyone has a unique experience.)
I can relate to the drinking too. I like beer. I am on Topomax though and that sort of curbs your craving for alcohol. It also makes carbonated drinks taste gross.
Posted by
Anonymous |
3/05/2006 10:41 PM