Saw the psychologist last night
So I saw the psychologist last night. He was very nice and I felt comfortable with him, though I am a bit put out that they scheduled me with him (I am a new patient to this guy) when he is graduating from school shortly and doesn't know what his availability will be when he starts his new full time job somewhere else in a few weeks! But I'm not one who has to gradually open up to a therapist, I am an open book, so I'm still going to go back to him. And it's not like I'm in some big crisis here either.
He asked me what things I was concerned about and I told him the primary thing I want to work on right now is the fact that I am so damn insecure. He suggested it was a trust issue but I don't think that's it. I do not have any concerns whatsoever that Walter is going to cheat on me. It's more of fears that I am not good enough or that I will somehow fuck things up type of thing.
We also talked about my "social phobia" or whatever you want to call it; how I won't do things in front of people, such as mini golf, or doing archery when Walter, me, his brother, and his brother's girlfriend went away. He asked me what stops me and I told him that I just can't get beyond the fear of making a fool of myself or of having people judge me or think I'm stupid or whatever. Rationally I know that is not true. Nobody cares if I can do miniature golf or archery well. Nobody's going to judge me on it. But that fear is so pervasive and it is sometimes impossible to overcome.
His advice on that was that I need to force myself to do it. I told him no way could I do it with a bunch of people around, but I think I'd be ok with just Walter. He said that right now I'm in this mindset of "I can't do it" (which is true) and if I force myself to do it then I will be able to say to myself "Well, I did it that one time..." and go on from there.
He also said that it sounds like I think too much and analyze stuff too much. I laughed so hard with that because it is SO TRUE. I sit there and analyze "what did that look mean?" "what did he mean when he said that" etc. - and then I think of all kinds of negative things it could mean - and get myself all worked up over nothing. So he said to use imagery - imagine that the involuntary subconscious thoughts of negative stuff are being counteracted with my conscious thoughts - that not everything has a deep hidden meaning - to take things at face value - and to force myself to stop obsessing over it. Man, that will be hard. Because I do obsess over everything and I do analyze everything. But I think he's right, too.
I go back to him on April 5th (I think). Will keep you posted.
He asked me what things I was concerned about and I told him the primary thing I want to work on right now is the fact that I am so damn insecure. He suggested it was a trust issue but I don't think that's it. I do not have any concerns whatsoever that Walter is going to cheat on me. It's more of fears that I am not good enough or that I will somehow fuck things up type of thing.
We also talked about my "social phobia" or whatever you want to call it; how I won't do things in front of people, such as mini golf, or doing archery when Walter, me, his brother, and his brother's girlfriend went away. He asked me what stops me and I told him that I just can't get beyond the fear of making a fool of myself or of having people judge me or think I'm stupid or whatever. Rationally I know that is not true. Nobody cares if I can do miniature golf or archery well. Nobody's going to judge me on it. But that fear is so pervasive and it is sometimes impossible to overcome.
His advice on that was that I need to force myself to do it. I told him no way could I do it with a bunch of people around, but I think I'd be ok with just Walter. He said that right now I'm in this mindset of "I can't do it" (which is true) and if I force myself to do it then I will be able to say to myself "Well, I did it that one time..." and go on from there.
He also said that it sounds like I think too much and analyze stuff too much. I laughed so hard with that because it is SO TRUE. I sit there and analyze "what did that look mean?" "what did he mean when he said that" etc. - and then I think of all kinds of negative things it could mean - and get myself all worked up over nothing. So he said to use imagery - imagine that the involuntary subconscious thoughts of negative stuff are being counteracted with my conscious thoughts - that not everything has a deep hidden meaning - to take things at face value - and to force myself to stop obsessing over it. Man, that will be hard. Because I do obsess over everything and I do analyze everything. But I think he's right, too.
I go back to him on April 5th (I think). Will keep you posted.
Thanks for the compliments. :)
I know I don't have *true* Social Phobia. It's more of a Performance Anxiety thing - but I don't know if that is a real syndrome or whatever. I think that is mostly attributed to entertainers, sports, etc. With me it's mostly anything I am doing. I can't type correctly if someone's watching me. Can't dance... play mini golf... the archery... Things like that. Definitely, definitely self-conscious, to the point I almost freeze thinking about it.
Posted by
DramaPrincess |
3/29/2006 12:44 PM
I know exactly what you mean. I'm so scared of doing things in front of people for fear I'll get laughed at or judged. It's on my list of things to work on (among many others, lol). I like your blog. I don't know any other bipolars in the real world. It's nice to know some in here.
Posted by
Arianna |
5/02/2006 1:45 AM