Diary of a Bipolar

I can't decide if I am still manic or not. Yesterday all the lack of sleep finally caught up to me and I fell asleep around 9. But then I was wide awake at 5:30 again. I should point out that is when Walter's alarm clock goes off; I'm not just randomly waking. But it's strange in that I usually require my sleep regularly.. an hour or two late to bed and usually the next morning I'm groggy as all hell, and definitely need to go to bed early that night.

Another thing the psychologist said the other night was that people with bipolar disorder (and other things too of course) have to teach themselves ways to cope. I realized that I have already done that in terms of my distractibility/forgetfulness. If I'm in the car or not home and think of something I need to do I email myself from my cell phone. When I have appointments I set an alarm on my cell for that morning to remind me. Stuff like that.

I wasn't tired yesterday at all, suprising since I only slept for about 6 hours and woke up overnight. I felt mostly normal at work except for the fact that I am so easily distracted. After work I went to the psychologist and I could tell that I was manic... I could hear myself talking soooooo fast and when I mentioned it he said I was loud too... then when I thought about it I realized I was.

On the way home I got that "speeding" feeling again. It's not uncomfortable like I've had an overload of caffeine or anything. Just sort of revved up and full of energy. It's hard to explain.

I got to Walter's and he wasn't home yet, so I finished transplanting the veggies from the night before - I had bought more soil and pots. I also did several loads of laundry.

When he got home he was pretty tired so he just went to bed. I didn't want to finish painting because that bathroom is right off of our bedroom, so I forced myself to relax and read. I think I started getting tired around 11, and then I was up and wide awake at 5 am. I did another load of laundry then went and did some community service for an hour (related to the DWI - check the daily blog if you're interested) and came to work. Now it's lunchtime and I'm waiting for my boss to come back so I can go do yet another hour of the community service. That puts me down to 3 hours left and I'll do that after work - good thing since I have court tomorrow morning, eh?

So I saw the psychologist last night. He was very nice and I felt comfortable with him, though I am a bit put out that they scheduled me with him (I am a new patient to this guy) when he is graduating from school shortly and doesn't know what his availability will be when he starts his new full time job somewhere else in a few weeks! But I'm not one who has to gradually open up to a therapist, I am an open book, so I'm still going to go back to him. And it's not like I'm in some big crisis here either.

He asked me what things I was concerned about and I told him the primary thing I want to work on right now is the fact that I am so damn insecure. He suggested it was a trust issue but I don't think that's it. I do not have any concerns whatsoever that Walter is going to cheat on me. It's more of fears that I am not good enough or that I will somehow fuck things up type of thing.

We also talked about my "social phobia" or whatever you want to call it; how I won't do things in front of people, such as mini golf, or doing archery when Walter, me, his brother, and his brother's girlfriend went away. He asked me what stops me and I told him that I just can't get beyond the fear of making a fool of myself or of having people judge me or think I'm stupid or whatever. Rationally I know that is not true. Nobody cares if I can do miniature golf or archery well. Nobody's going to judge me on it. But that fear is so pervasive and it is sometimes impossible to overcome.

His advice on that was that I need to force myself to do it. I told him no way could I do it with a bunch of people around, but I think I'd be ok with just Walter. He said that right now I'm in this mindset of "I can't do it" (which is true) and if I force myself to do it then I will be able to say to myself "Well, I did it that one time..." and go on from there.

He also said that it sounds like I think too much and analyze stuff too much. I laughed so hard with that because it is SO TRUE. I sit there and analyze "what did that look mean?" "what did he mean when he said that" etc. - and then I think of all kinds of negative things it could mean - and get myself all worked up over nothing. So he said to use imagery - imagine that the involuntary subconscious thoughts of negative stuff are being counteracted with my conscious thoughts - that not everything has a deep hidden meaning - to take things at face value - and to force myself to stop obsessing over it. Man, that will be hard. Because I do obsess over everything and I do analyze everything. But I think he's right, too.

I go back to him on April 5th (I think). Will keep you posted.

I haven't posted in a little while. Just been busy. The "depression" thing was short-lived... and now I appear to be manic.

Last night I felt like I was all speeding, then I stayed up till midnight transplanting the vegetable plants I started from seed into bigger pots, prolly did 36 plants then ran out of pots and dirt. I had to force myself to go to sleep, woke up several times, was up at 5:30 am and painted half the bathroom before I went to work. I’m taking my medications as I’m supposed to. For right now I'm going to leave it be - if it starts becoming problematic then I'll call the psych. The extra energy is good because I’m in the process of moving. LOL

I just thought of something. I started taking the phentermine (diet pill prescribed by the dr.) last week. That very well could have something to do with it. But again, I’m going to leave it be for now.

My bipolar symptoms have rarely been depression... I am manic most of the time. But I feel as if a depression is coming on.

I just feel sort of down and sad. I feel like I could cry but there's no overwhelming reason to do so. My job is great; my daughter is great; my boyfriend is great. There's nothing majorly wrong.

But now and again I get overwhelmed with all the things that are "wrong with me" and now is one of those times. I'm bipolar, of course. I've also got a condition called "inappropriate sinus tachycardia." In a nutshell that means that my pulse skyrockets with little provocation and I am "exercise intolerant." In January 2002 I had an ablation to try to help this along but it did little good. Several combinations of medicines never did the trick. Too small of a dose and it didn't alleviate the symptoms; too high of a dose and I was tired all the time. Finally I said "to hell with it" and stopped dealing with it altogether. It makes me mad that I have physical limits - like when my daughter wants to go bike riding or something and I have to tell her to wait so I can rest and catch my breath. I'm 32, I'm not supposed to have a heart problem! I should be able to do whatever I want to physically!

And I'm fat as a house, there's no denying that. I'm 235 lbs and wear a size 20. And that makes me mad too - I hate it. Yet I can't seem to stop binge eating; and even when I'm not on a binge, I eat probably about 3x what is a normal serving size. If I eat less I am left hungry, and then I obsess about food, and then I binge... so it's a vicious circle I don't know how to get out of. My doctor has told me NOT to diet without exercising because a sudden decrease in caloric intake will cause my metabolism to slow, and of course the damn heart thing makes exercising difficult.

Currently I am upset (though I can't fathom this being the cause of the 'depressed' feeling) because I am so sick of feeling so insecure about myself. My boyfriend is fabulous. I have very little to complain about. I love him to death. We spend the majority of our time together and we are moving in together when the school year is out so my daughter doesn't have to switch schools mid-year. I have been moving stuff into his house for over a month now in preparation for this.

But I am all too often scared, with no rational trigger, that he doesn't love me... or doesn't want me... or feels I am not good enough for him. He treats me with love and respect and there is no rational reason for it. But here and again that just rears up its ugly head and of course then I'm pushing and prodding at him to give me the reassurance I need, and it gets annoying to him, because he's done nothing to make me feel that way.

The other day I inadvertently found out that he'd been watching porn on the computer when I wasn't there. Rationally I don't think it's a big deal. But the irrational part of my mind said, "How can he do this if he loves me... how can he watch some other woman... I am so fat, these porn girls are so thin, I can't compare or compete with them..." So I asked him why he watches it and his answer was simple enough: he wanted release, I wasn't there. No big deal. I know it's not a "problem" or a habit. There is no rational reason for me to get upset about it. But I did all the same.

I went through a bankruptcy last year and now I've found myself in debt again. In the grand scheme of life it's not that big a deal, maybe $1500. But it makes me so mad that I've allowed that to happen; I make good money, there's no reason for it, except I spend like I'm Paris Hilton.

So all of these things right now are just getting to me. I'm not suicidal by any means... I'm not envisioning suicide or planning it or anything... but I do have thoughts along the lines of " I am so tired of all this BS... it would be so much easier if I was dead." And I stress, I don't want to be dead... I just want all these problems to magically resolve themselves... but who doesn't want that?

So I don't know if it's just some biochemical imbalance at the moment that's causing the sadness and "down" feeling, or if for whatever reason all of these things are just piling up on me... but at any rate, this sucks. LOL

I see my psychiatrist quarterly for meds but that is all he does. I think I may look into a pscyhologist to do psychotherapy to delve deep into my brain to try to resolve some of this. Does anyone know if there's much of a difference in the practices or results from a counselor (LPC) or a psychologist??

I'm reading other people's blogs, and I decided that the thoughts that it triggers for me will just get written down randomly, because I know I"ll never remember otherwise. LOL

On Jane Loves Tarzan, Jane writes, "Because once I take that 1st drink, or 1st whatever, I don’t know for sure where it will end."

Oh, I am SO like that. I can't drink casually. Once I take one drink, I can't stop. And unfortunately I've always ended up driving... and finally in June I got a DWI over it. Feel free to peruse my daily blog to find entries about it. And I am a binge eater. And I am fat as a house. LOL Part of that is due to being on Risperdal. I gained 25 - 30 lbs the first month I was on it!!! But there's no denying that I can't eat like a normal person... I have to eat huge, huge quantities, and when I'm not eating, I think about eating way, way too much.

Jane also wrote, "I feel like I could use 1 day in a mental hospital." and "It felt as though I was in some protective bubble & I literally wanted to stay there forever. Living there helped me realize how easy it is for people to become institutionalized."

I've gotten like that sometimes. I was only in the hospital for three days... but I didn't have any responsibility... and sometimes I just get overwhelmed with life and crave that irresponsibility...

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Now reading Rachel's In The Course of Things.

"I didn't tell you how I am paranoid that they are all against me."

I get like that too... sometimes I just get totally paranoid that someone is talking bad about me, lying to me, hiding things from me, thinking bad about me... not just one person, ANYONE.

"I thought happiness was parties, people, and other social settings. But it is now clear, that is not where I belong."

I have always felt like the "odd man out" in social settings. The therapist tells me I have a mild case of "social phobia" and I definitely have a lot of the symptoms. If I am with people I don't know well or trust enough, I am constantly afraid that something I will do or say will make them think negatively of me. And I know rationally that is unlikely; but I cannot control it. For Valentine's Day me, my boyfriend, his brother, and his brother's girlfriend went away for a weekend. And there were activities there that I just couldn't force myself to participate in. They were doing archery... it was so simple, you just rest the arrow on the bow, pull back, let go.. .and I couldn't do it. I was too afraid that someone would be watching me and thinking how stupid or whatever I am... that social phobia stuff paralyzes me, and it makes me so mad, because I *want* to join other people, I *want* to participate, but the paranoia overwhelms me...

I started going to college when I had my daughter (I was 21). But being a single parent who works full time really, really makes school difficult. And being bipolar doesn't help, either. I get a lot of the ADD type symptoms with distractibility, etc. Whenever I've gone to school in the past I've taken night classes, but I simply don't have the ability to study without being distracted. Outside of work, I'm a single parent, and it's hard to work/study with a kid constantly wanting your attention. And if I stay up too late then it messes me up for the next day at work.

So my boss, the wonderful guy that he is, is allowing me starting in May to work part time. Instead of 40 hours a week I will do 30-34. That will give me time at home, alone, with no kid, to concentrate on my school work. And he's allowing me to keep my health insurance!!!! Right now he pays all of it; when I go part time he'll still pay 2/3!!!

I am SO excited about this. I only have 17 credits left to get my associate's degree making me a paralegal (which is sad when I started school 10 years ago, lol) and so if all goes as planned, I'll graduate in December!

The "scary" thing will be that when I graduate I'm moving on to another job. I'm currently a "legal assistant" but when I'm done I will be an official associate-degree-holding paralegal. Damn, I guess I'll have to buy a real wardrobe, the "business casual" thing I can do here prolly won't fly in a firm big enough to have paralegals. LOL But seriously - I am sort of scared, though more excited, about moving on... I am so in my "comfort zone" here, been there 3 years...

The reason I wrote so much today is that I am at my 2nd job (I am a legal assistant) and there is NOTHING for me to do. I work on the weekends to support attorneys who have stuff that has to be done on the weekend... and had nothing to do. I'm required to be here for so many hours... so I blogged. LOL

When I was a teen I would get depressed over EVERYTHING. Someone didn't look at me the right way... didn't love me enough... whatever. And for whatever reason I seemed to cherish the state of depression. I had whole cassette tapes that I had dubbed that had different music on it. Some were "depression" songs like "you broke my heart" and some were what I termed "Fuck You songs" like "Do You Know, Do You Care" by Phil Collins.

I had my daughter when I was 21 and mostly the depression stopped rearing its ugly head then. Maybe because I finally had someone to love unconditionally and she loved me back; maybe I just made an subconscious choice; maybe my brain chemicals changed; I don't know.

Then in the year 2000 I lost a baby when I was five months pregnant. This was my second loss - the first was in 1991 before my daughter (1995). That and other very traumatic things during the same period sent me into the worst depression I had ever been in. I couldn't work. All I wanted to do was read and sleep. I didn't want to bathe; I would wait until I could literally smell myself. And I barely had the energy to take care of my daughter, who was 5 at the time. She survived on TV dinners that she heated up herself under my direction for the most part. I barely ate, and was down to 160 lbs. I am 5'10 so that is fairly thin. Alas, I am up to a fat 235 now!!! But that's beside the point. LOL

I don't remember what prompted me to go to the doctor but I was put on Zoloft and gradually I got back to normal... which unfortunately included the binge eating and the rages, etc. And it was 3 more years before I got diagnosed with the bipolar.

I haven't had any major depressions since that last awful time. Sometimes I catch myself "ruminating" - thinking about the things in life that have hurt me and such. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with all the obstacles in my life and I get into that "I'd be better off dead" kind of mind set. Not that I'm suicidal by any means - just weary of struggling with life in general and thinking how much easier it would be. When these things happen I'll just pop an extra Zoloft. That's probably not the best thing I should do - but I'm afraid of getting to a point where I can't function again so I overreact to the slightest sign. I guess it's good I don't turn to street drugs, eh?

Before I got diagnosed (having no information about Bipolar Disorder at all) I used to define my manic episodes as "being in a really good mood." And I was. I was happy, elated, had tons of energy... when these episodes would occur I would get SO MUCH DONE. I'd paint the whole house (indoors, not out, lol)... rearrange all the furniture... detail the car with ridiculous attention to detail...

I must admit, I *liked* being like that. I like the energy, the euphoria. The amount of stuff I get done is great. But the bad part of it is that I spend too much money... I can go from euphoric to enraged in a heartbeat...

Too bad we can't pick and choose our symptoms, eh?

I've noticed that even stable on meds, sometimes I can sort of "push myself into" hypomanic episodes. Well, that sounds like it's deliberate, but it is not. For example, my boyfriend and I decided to move in together. I hadn't paid my storage unit in a while and it was overlocked, and I was anxious to start the move. So when I paid the storage and could get in there, I was sooo excited it was crazy. I couldn't wait to pack stuff up and take it to his house. He couldn't understand my excitement. And I was so tunnel-visioned about getting it done that it didn't matter to me in the slightest that it was raining. My poor boyfriend just endured.

Later after I had "come down" I realized the state I had been in. He didn't know me pre-meds and it was the first time he'd seen me like that. So I told him that if I get like that again, that he should gently remind me that I'm being overzealous or whatever. It hasn't happened again yet so I don't know if that will work.

But I sure did get a lot moved and put away that day. LOL

Still reading Jane's blog. She posted the lyrics to a song that resonates with her, and here's one that does it for me.

Simon by Lifehouse

catch your breath
hit the wall
scream out loud
as you start to crawl
back in your cage
the only place
where they will
leave you alone

'cause the weak will seek the weaker until they've broken them
could you get it back again
would it be the same?

fulfillment to their lack of strength at your expense
left you with no defense
they tore it down

CHORUS:
and i have felt the same
as you, I've felt the same
as you, I've felt the same

locked inside
the only place
where you feel sheltered
where you feel safe
you lost yourself
in your search to find
something else
to hide behind

the fearful always preyed upon your confidence
did they see the consequence
when they pushed you around?

the arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones
breaking them 'til they've become
just another crown

CHORUS

refuse to feel
anything at all
refuse to slip
refuse to fall

can't be weak
can't stand still
you watch your back
cause no one will

you don't know why they had to go this far
traded your worth for these scars
for your only company

don't believe the lies that they have told to you
not one word was true

you're alright, you're alright, you're alright

CHORUS

As I said in my first post, me being on Adderall was a bad, bad idea. It sent me to the moon.

Lamictal is my "wonder drug." It totally eliminates my rages, which is a very, very good thing. I know I'm a much better mom now.

Zoloft is my antidepressant. I don't tend to get depressed over much but my psych (affectionately referred to as my "crazy doc") wants me on it. No side effects or anything.

Abilify made me feel nauseaus so I stopped taking it after a week or so.

Risperdal does a good job of curbing compulsions, but unfortunately it makes me hungry all the time and exacerbates my tendency to binge eat. I'm currently off of it.

Geodon did not like me at all. It made me feel like I was on a horrible caffeine high, as if I'd taken like 20 Vivarin (caffeine) pills.

The earliest specific memory I have of a bipolar symptom is when I was 15 or 16. I had always been prone to the rages (though back then I just chalked it up to having a REALLY bad temper) and my boyfriend and I had gone down the shore (Philly speak for to the beach, lol) and I had gotten my ears pierced. A few weeks later I wanted to change the earrings and it was too soon and the holes closed up that quick while I was trying to do it. I FLIPPED. I was screaming, yelling, throwing things across the room, etc. My boyfriend was freaked out; he couldn't understand how something so minor could enrage me like that. Neither did I. But when you're in the grip of a rage like that you literally cannot control it.

I have *always* been very tunnel-visioned in some respects. If I have my mind set on doing something, I won't stop until I have it done. I can't think of anything else. I get obsessed with it. It can be a project, like when I did my first website. Or it can be something in the news. I remember a few years ago a little girl who was my daughter's age was murdered, and she lived about half an hour from us, and I was obsessed with that story. My daughter was with her dad for half the summer when this happened. All the major news networks covered it. Not only did I compulsively search the web every hour for like 15 minutes about new news, but I actually WENT TO THEIR HOUSE. I realize now that was totally, totally obsessive. I ended up volunteering to make these little "in memoriam" cards for the family and they allowed me to. They gave me pictures of this little girl and I put the and pictuers and her birthday and such and a prayer on business cards and then laminated them. I spent over $100 on this (that I didn't have) and literally an entire weekend with little sleep.

Sometimes I get overly "into" a project, only to drop it. When I caught the scrapbooking craze I spent $100 on supplies, and did maybe 5 pages of it. Or I'll get into an organizing frenzy and spend an entire weekend re-doing and re-arranging my house.

The most devastating effect the bipolar had on me was to destroy my finances. Sometimes I would get into these modes where I had to buy things. I'd spend several hundred dollars, never mind my bills, on all this.. stuff. And I'd set the bags on the living room floor, and there it would all sit, until later in the week when I had no money for gas, and I'd return most of it. I knew that was crazy, but that impulse to "buy" cannot be rejected.

In the year 2000 a lot of bad stuff happened to me all at once, and maybe some other time I'll write about it. But I made some huge mistakes and some huge decisions with no thought. I picked up and moved from New Jersey/Philadelphia to Missouri with next to no thought about it. All of my family is there, with the exception of the one half-sister that lives here in MO, and I just up and left. And my grandfather had died and left me his house. I took out a mortgage on it, and within a year, the entire value of the house was spent and I couldn't pay the property taxes and I had to sell the house. The fact that I literally blew $75,000 in a year and couldn't tell you where it went, and that I lost my beloved grandfather's house over it, devastates me.

In the worst of times of my spending sprees I would write check after check, not even realizing that many of them would bounce. So then I'd end up taking out a pay day loan to pay off the bounced checks and their fees. And then I couldn't pay my bills to pay off the interest on the payday loans. My car ended up getting repossessed as a result of this. After I got diagnosed I filed bankruptcy, and I am slowly building my credit back up.

So... there you have it. Some more history and some more of my symptoms and stuff. :)

I thought I had the settings to notify me when I had a comment but I obviously did not... I just saw all these comments today! I *think* I have it set up now. LOL

So thanks to Jane, Rachel, zawadi70, mr. 12 step, "mom, interrupted", and dan for stopping by to say hi. :) When I'm done writing today I'll visit your blogs. :)